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Coming Back From a Dead Bedroom


You’ve been with your partner for a while now. Maybe you are married, maybe you are not, but you love them very much. And everything is perfect except for one thing. One tiny, little, probably unimportant thing: your sex life is not where you want it to be. It’s been a couple of weeks, months or even years since you’ve had satisfying sex with the love of your life. When it happens, is unenthusiastic, cold, mechanical, boring. Almost like it’s out of obligation. And it feels almost silly to complain about that. After all, sex is not important, is it? You are not with your partner for the sex, you are with them because of everything else. It feels shallow and selfish to be unhappy about your sex life when everything else is perfect. Does this sound similar to your situation? You might be in a ‘dead bedroom’ relationship. If that’s the case, there are two things you need to know. One, it’s okay to feel this way. And two, you are not alone.

Society loves to tell us that sex is not important in a relationship. That sex shouldn’t be something you care about and that wanting a fulfilling sex life is wrong, selfish, shallow. Society is wrong. You have a right to an enjoyable sex life, you are allowed to want good sex with the person you love. And that’s the first step to get out of a dead bedroom: realizing that it is perfectly reasonable to want satisfying sex with your partner. Recognize that it is a problem and it is worth it to fix it. Sit back, think about your relationship and why exactly is making you unhappy. What would it take for you to enjoy your sex life again?

 The second step is figuring out the causes of the problem. Honest, open communication with your partner is important. Sit down over a cup of coffee in a non-sexual context and talk about the problem. Keep it as non-confrontational as possible. It’s not “Me vs. You”, it’s “Us vs. The Problem”. A lack of sex is usually a symptom of another problem, either with the relationship or with the people involved in it. Rule out possible medical issues like pain, chafing or physical inability to get aroused. Some medication can interfere with libido as well, especially antidepressants and hormonal birth control. Talk to your doctor or get your partner to talk to their doctor to figure out a solution.

 If there’s nothing medically wrong, then it’s time to have an open conversation with your partner. Stress, anxiety and depression can affect libido as well. Did anything change in your lives? Having a kid adds a lot of pressure and stress in a couple’s life. So is dealing with economic problems, college or a highly demanding job. If this is the case, you should make an effort to make sex a priority again. Schedule a date night, hire a babysitter, go to a spa together or simply stay in sharing some time for yourselves.

Finally, if you can afford it, go to counseling together. A sex therapist will help you communicate effectively and find a compromise to get the sexual part of the relationship back on track.

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